I Don't Mean It
by asakura89
Summary: A short Natsuki x Shizuru oneshot. Not a sad ending.


Side Note: This idea came to me when I was trying to adjust to my jetlag after coming back from China in September. I woke up about three o'clock in the morning and this idea struck me and kept me thinking for about an hour. But, I did not write the story down even though I had everything figured out. A couple of days later, when I actually tried to write the story, the ending of the story sort of became a blur to me, some how the ending seemed to have changed from my original thoughts. Something seemed to be missing, out of place, drifted. Maybe it's because I sort of regret that I forgot the original ending? It just gives me this odd feeling. Hopefully the ending doesn't feel that abrupt.

_Big thanks to Hoppy-Chan for proofreading the story!_

Disclaimer: I don't have the rights to the Mai-Hime characters.

_**I Don't Mean It**_

She did it only out of pity and gratefulness to her. But all of it should end now—their marriage.

Natsuki sighed and looked at the person seated across from her. "Shizuru, please, just sign the paper."

They both knew what "the paper" was, but it somehow felt lighter to use this rather than the term "divorce" in the already heavy, depressing atmosphere of the living room.

No reply, no reaction. Shizuru just sat there blankly, refusing to acknowledge the situation.

Natsuki closed her eyes in irritation. She never was a patient person. How she managed these past 10 years, she didn't know. Maybe it was her total devotion to her; paying back all the little and significant things Shizuru did for her, before the Festival, during the Festival and after the Festival. But this has to end. She's already 29 and getting close to 30. As she had promised herself before the greatest decision in her life, she'll lead her own life after 30. She had given her the youth of her life. All her debt is now cleared.

"Shizuru, please…sign it."

"No."

A simple reply that echoed clearly in the dim living room.

"Fine!" Natsuki walked out of the room.

They've gone through this many times, always ending up with Shizuru's "No". A slight smile appeared on the corners of Natsuki's lips. This stubbornness of Shizuru's is what Natsuki likes about her. She would not give up even if others have. Many times, again and again, she had pulled Natsuki out of the prison of despair. But now, ironically, that is the one thing retaining Natsuki from her freedom.

Natsuki returned to the room and sat back down. She'll finish everything today—all her ties.

"Sign it."

"No."

Another battle of wills.

"Sign…it."

"No."

To say Natsuki was cold hearted, that she had no feelings for Shizuru is false. All those years spent together. Their relation is that of best friends, and maybe, a bit more…

It pained her to see the usually composed Shizuru crumple, to see her mask shatter, piece by piece. It was also this feeling that frustrated her, confused her, and angered her. This mixture of feelings made her explode, losing her sense. Harsh words came out…

"Fine! You want to know the REAL reason I want a divorce?! I never loved you! There was no love in the first place! Everything I did was out of pure gratefulness! Now that I have paid back my debt, I…"

The last pieces of Shizuru's mask fell, shattered into millions and millions of broken pieces.

CRACK. CRACK. THROB. THROB. SLAM!

Her heart throbbed, throbbed hard. Natsuki didn't mean to ever say it out in that way. No. She regretted it the moment it came out. The look on her face then, the complete breakdown of Shizuru. A dreadful sight.

The shock and disbelief in her eyes, the realization, followed by the continuously flowing of tears that fell.

Everything happened in a split second, but to Natsuki, it was like a movie playing in slow motion. She wished over and over that she did not have to witness the sight. She didn't mean it, it was an accident. She wanted to do something, anything, to take back the blow of the words. It hurt. The sight made her heart sore.

She wanted to say something comforting, something that would excuse her accidental use of words, but Shizuru had already gotten up from her seat and ran out the door; the door slamming shut after her. Natsuki had gotten up half way to stop her, her mouth ajar…

Nothing came out.

Natsuki fell back down on the couch, a desperate sigh escaping her throat. Those words weren't totally true, she likes Shizuru. So it had been a lie, but her reason for marriage was true before, but now…

She thought saying good-bye would be easy. After all, she'd be free, living her own life. That was what she had thought and wanted 10 years ago. Now, everything didn't feel that certain anymore.

She felt restless. The clock in the living room ticked. Tick, tick, tick…The water from the faucet dripped. Drip, drip, drip… All these sounds seemed to echo in the suddenly large apartment complex, laughing and taunting at her solitude. She stood up and started pacing. Above all the sounds she heard, was her own thumping heart.

Natsuki stopped in front of the coffee table. Because of her disconcerted state earlier, she did not notice the paper there, along with the ring. She bent and picked it up. There, on the divorce paper was the name Fujino Shizuru.

She stared and stared at the name. The name printed boldly and then signed gracefully; black on white in full contrast.

_How could she still write it so perfectly natural after what I said? What did she feel? What was her thought…_

Lightning flashed outside, followed by a loud crash of thunder. Natsuki woke from her train of thought and ran out the door. _Shizuru!_

It had started pouring outside, but Natsuki took no notice. The rain soaked through her cloth as she ran, block after block, searching. _Where's she? It's raining so hard now…what if something happens… _

As if to confirm her worry, she heard two passersby say:

"There's an accident at the intersection near the construction site."

"Really?"

"Yeah. On my way back from the corner-shop there, I saw a car slide out of control and hit a brunette lady. Blood was everywhere."

_Shizuru!_ Natsuki's face paled. She turned on her heels and ran; heart pounding violently. _Shizuru…it can't be…_

The sky darkened even further; the rain poured down harder. She kept on running. Maybe _Kami_ wanted to stop her, or punish her for foolish judgment. She didn't care; _Kami_ can blow wind and rain on her, as long as Shizuru is okay…_Shizuru._

She could see the crowd of people in the distant. Just a bit further…A boost of energy, she hurried ahead.

Thump! Natsuki crashed right in to a person as she ran up the crossing bridge, knocking both of them down.

"Sorry," she said in a rush and reached to pick up the can of hot coffee the person dropped. "Sorry, I'll buy you a new one…" She stopped in mid-sentence. Pause. "Shizuru…"

"Natsuki…"

Natsuki loosened her grip on the can of hot coffee. It fell to the ground with a dull thump.

Shizuru bend down and picked it up. Silence. She studied Natsuki. "Is something the matter? I signed the paper, didn't I?" Shizuru said with a forced smile on her face.

The voice brought her back. "Nothing," said Natsuki, not looking her in the eye. _It's not her, not her. Good._ She turned and walked down the stairs. Halfway down, she turned and said, "It's raining too hard. Let's go back to the apartment."

Shizuru silently followed.

The two walked in the rain, one in front, and the other behind. Passersby wondered at the sight.

Natsuki was confused. It was not like her to panic and blindly conclude a situation. Why did she felt relieved when she knew Shizuru was not the one in the accident? And what was the cause of her restlessness, worry, and concern? She cared. Maybe 10 years ago, she wouldn't care what happens to her, but now she's at least her friend. But then, why did her heart pound so hard when she heard there was an accident?

"Hey! Watch out!"

A voice called out in warning, followed by a groaning noise.

She turned just in time to see the wooden beams leaning against the wall beginning to fall—crashing down at Shizuru.

Everything changed to slow motion again…The falling beams, the surprised look on Shizuru's face…

That moment, as she rushed to cover Shizuru, she realized the reason to her restlessness, her worry, her concern, her relief…She doesn't want to lose Shizuru.

"SHIZURU!"

--

Natsuki sat quietly on the couch, while Shizuru silently bandaged her arm.

"That was reckless, you know."

"What else could I do?"

Silence.

"I don't mean it."

Shizuru paused in bandaging. "I understand." She finished bandaging Natsuki's hand and moved on to her head.

"I don't mean what I said!"

Shizuru kept on bandaging. "It's alright, I under…"

"No you don't!" Natsuki reached a hand and stopped Shizuru's hand. "I'm not just talking about what I said, I'm talking about everything. The accident, the hurtful words, and…the divorce."

Another wave of silence.

"Everything's off…I mean, the divorce…"said Natsuki awkwardly, trying to break the silence. "I was wrong. And besides, the paper got soaked so um…Shizuru?"

No reply. A blank face.

"Shizuru?"

Shizuru turned away. "I'll go make some tea."

Natsuki grabbed hold of her arm; she could see the tears forming at the corners of her eyes. "Don't change the topic." She turned Shizuru to face her. "I didn't mean it. I really didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Please… "

"Natsuki." Tears broke out. Shizuru lunged into Natsuki's arms.

All Natsuki could do was cuddle her and let her cry in her embrace. She didn't mean it. Everything was a mistake, a huge misunderstanding. Maybe at one point in the past, living alone with her freedom was what she wished. But now, all she wanted was to be with one person; Shizuru.

"I love you, Shizuru."

**--Fin.**

_After Phase_

Shizuru: Did the impact of the wooden beams hit you too hard on the head?

Natsuki: No! I'm being serious here, Shizuru!

Shizuru: Normal people don't use divorce as a joke.

Natsuki: SHIZURU! Ah-Ah…chou!

Shizuru: Ara, I believe the author forgot we are still soaking wet.

End

Glossary: _Kami_-God

Ara-Shizuru's favourite word expression

Author: Just one of those one time crazy ideas :p I actually have another one-shot idea inspired by this.


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